Listening to "It's Not My Time" by Three Doors Down..
Is time really an enemy or a progression toward something we know nothing about? Opening with a question is a rather unusual phenomenon, isn't it? John Milton wrote in darkness after his 40's. How many of us have seen much with our eyes and have not yet learned to see without them even for a few short moments?
Close your eyes and see how much more pronounced your other senses are without sight the next time you go to the park or through a walk in the woods. When I am on the mountain and I pull that, it's amazing that I can hear the wind in a way I never heard it, smell the plants and flowers with much more focus, hear the buzzing of an insect with more acuity (because I AM seeing AUDIBLY) than when I have my eyes OPEN! If you can tell what type of insect it is with your eyes closed, then you see it with your mind and your sense of hearing is taking that message to your brain! One can usually tell the fly from the wasp, or the horsefly from the mosquito. Even the rain can touch you with more intensity when you focus on keeping your eyes closed if you are one of those people that doesn't get bothered by a little water! I have been known to take walks in it! For my friends who go to the park, you can distinguish the sound of a pigeon from that of a sparrow (or a dove) with your eyes closed! I am willing to bet on it!
To put such faith in your other senses for these few short moments lets you get in touch with that part of yourself that you cannot afford to let die--the kid you were!
I smile when I think of what I almost missed. Life is not always what we see, but as the song says, it's what we believe in too! If you still have your dreams alive, take them and run with them! Don't let others try to take them from you because they want you to be some facsimile of their own selves. Only you can live your life. Only you can answer for whatever you do or don't do.
When this life is over, I believe we change and that this planet will become one with our dust. I can see why my Native American ancestors believe that Earth is the mother. We did come from it and we will go back to it. Walt Whitman even goes into this idea in Leaves of Grass. Much as I hate to burst anyones bubble, it also means that if man was created from dust, then, in a sense we are born from the Earth even though the sphere is not in and of itself divine. If all life came from dust, where did that dust come from--THAT should be the question.
There is no reason why at any age, one cannot break the chains of expectations set down for them from generation to generation. I always stressed the importance of an education to my children--and they finished school, but I didn't shove the idea that they should be rocket scientists down their throats. I don't live my life through them and I also taught them from an early age not to let anyone do that to them. None of my sons will be that "young man sittin' in the old man's bar, waitin' for his turn to die--" either as the Goo Goo Dolls sang in Broadway. They are definitely their own men...
Now I am at a turning point in my life and I believe I can do all of the following:
1. Teach overseas
2. Get my Master's Degree
3. Later get my Doctorate degree
4. And finally, impart what I have learned to others who can benefit from it.
It does not matter if one wants to work in the oilfield, be a housewife, actor, architect or whatever. What matters is that one is happy with the choices they have made and I do embrace mine! The key is, make sure you get what YOU WANT and then appreciate what you HAVE once you have got it.
I am truly grateful to God for what I have. At least he has a sense of humor because if he didn't, he wouldn't have subjected you to putting up with my antics and sense of humor. Look out! I can be total and complete ham, saint, sinner, teacher, fighter, leader, or just a good old fashioned bitch--depending on the situations that arise in my life. I have learned to love playing the role of "God" when I pick up a pen and create more imaginery worlds and characters over which I hold the power of life and death.
I wonder what the South Park writers had in mind by coming up with "Kenny"--who gets killed again and again! Was he the bully that picked on them as a kid or what? LOL!
I firmly believe in having a sense of humor so if you do not have one, I fully expect to be flamed over what I am about to say.
I am truly convinced that you can tell one's psychological make-up by the muppets they preferred to see as a child! Seriously! Wanna know my favorites? Animal, Crazy Harry (yes there was a muppet with that name--and he blew up shit all the time! Really!), Oscar the Grouch, Cookie Monster and last but not least--those two heckling old men in the balcony on the Muppet Show!!!
These muppets can represent any personality you've dealt with, Just like Jeff Dunham's brood can! Of Dunham's, my personal favorite is Walter. He reminds me of some relatives of mine! I also liked the episode where Bubba J "drunk proofed" the home!
In closing, I can hear these and know what is going on even if I were to lose my sight! Have a great weekend and I hope this gave you a laugh AND something to think about for a few kicks!
Tina Thomas
Posts
All Comments
Thursday, November 25, 2010
Saturday, November 20, 2010
What the Mountain Revealed...
Most people who know me know I love it when the weather is nice enough to do my 2.5 mile walk on what we call "The Mountain". It is actually called "Scenic Mountain" and it is located in a place called Big Spring, TX. I have been walking it a lot as of late and doing a lot of soul-searching (I guess you'd call it that), but it really turned out to be an eye opening experience for me. I have been reading a lot of books by Dr. Wayne Dyer as of late and have been experiencing an awakening of sorts. I am really taking a hard look at my life, and for the first time I have taken charge of it.
There is a quote on page 19 of his book, "Wisdom of the Ages: 60 Days to Englightenment" which reads as follows: "When you are in that centered state of purpose, you activate forces in the universe that previously were out of your range. What you need will show up. The right person will be there on time. The phone call will come. The missing pieces will be brought to you..." and then he goes on later to say (quoting a Zen proverb), "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
In that silence, the wind began to blow gently, comforting me with it's embrace as a few birds were about. There is no better music to me than that in my moments of reflection. It was when I was 1/4 the way into my journey that my two teachers appeared to me. They were two stray dog people.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Dog people? She's gone nuts!" so please remember that I am part Comanche Indian and there is a belief of respecting animals and trees in such a manner since nature is to be revered. From what I understand other cultures in other countries view nature with respect, just as I do. I truly believe animals have feelings and souls. They feel fear like the rest of us, but I have not converted to vegetarianism. I am sorry to disappoint you but even my ancestors ate meat--and I am referring to my ancestors on both sides of the pond. I am part Comanche, Irish, German and Pennsylvania Dutch. If you don't know what that means, look up the term, but, in short, I am a pure Heinz 57 American. I tan more than I burn, have dark hair but my eyes are hazel/green...They look more green though.
Anyway, my two teachers, as stated earlier were two stray dog people. They were abandoned, although one had a collar and they looked hungry and frightened. I would have petted them, but since I had no food to offer, they ducked their tails between their legs and ran. Poor things. They were black and white, but one looked like a border collie and I couldn't tell for the life of me what the other one was.
How sad they must have felt being that it gets cold and dark at night. They were obviously hungry but kept running away. One would inch closer but when it saw no food it ran with the other one. I can empathize with that feeling--that lonliness even though they were together in their bewilderment.
I know that empty feeling--that fear of being alone. I used to turn to men for my source of validation. I have been single for 16 years-with the exception of 1 brief relationship which I was wise enough to end--again after being hurt, but not nearly as badly. I do not regret it.
The first time I felt totally abandoned was when my first ex left me for another woman when my oldest son was only 3 months old. As a result, I fell into a deep depression, and ended up in an emotionally, and psychologically traumatic marriage two and a half years later. Even after that amount of time, I was rebounding. I would later realize that I had made critical mistakes in my relationships.
Both men married me to suit their own ends--but the second husband dealt the worst blow of all. I woke up and heard him tell my best friend after nine years and two kids that he never loved me to begin with. After being silent to his emotional blackmail and tantrums that sometimes ended up with me being shoved around, or his putting holes in the walls (among other things he'd pull) that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I went home and filed for a divorce--AGAIN.
I stand firm in my convictions. Do I believe in God? Yes. It isn't my job however to judge anyone. Besides, if he wants to do the hard work, he can have it. I feel it is my job to serve and to be kind to others. IT is not my job to try to convert people--to me that is a religious teaching and NOT true Christianity. It is one thing to teach right and wrong--but another to try to get others to believe as you do, and to me that is no different than making a sales pitch. I refuse to do that. Having the mind of serving others doesn't mean I have to be a doormat. I have grown much stronger since that very last brief relationship not too long ago. He calls once in a while wanting to get with me for a "date". It won't happen. I forgave him, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for another lie.
Now how does this relate? Here it is:
Today was an unusually beautiful day--November 20, 2010. In five days I will embark on another year's journey in this life. I feel that I can do much more now at (soon to be 48) than I could at 18! I am in good shape--beating my oldest son (who was born ON my 20th birthday--Thanksgiving day 28 years ago!) on a fitness test, but taking the time to read and learn things I never had time to enjoy before!
In the past two years, I discovered the work of an actor I truly didn't recognize--mainly because I avoided theaters and immersed myself in school and my writing/music. In short, I was a pain in the ass rebel/punk in my own way and thought Hollywood was part of the "establishment" I sought to not be a part of. Now don't laugh or think I was stupid! There was an excuse--I was, for the most part, a recluse. I didn't really enjoy going to movies and such anyway and didn't do it hardly at all in my youth. The actors and actresses of my generation, to me, only got there because of their aesthetic appeal (meaning their looks) and the advent of MTV. To me many of the true actors were the ones I watched with my parents. I stayed outside with a notebook in my hand, creating worlds in which I was a god--having power over life and death of my characters and writing material that (more than once) landed me in the counselor's office--especially after the death of John Lennon. It seems like everyone thought I was hell bent on killing myself. I wasn't. I just wrote lyrics and such that raised eyebrows and caused concern--and now at 48 I can see why! I re-read stuff that somehow (probably via my first ex) ended up on the internet. Oh well. Let him keep it.
Anyway, this actor demonstrated what acting is and how it should be done. Either way, it got me interested in movies again that year. I don't have to be in theater arts to know what good acting is either given the trash Hollywood tends to put out. I don't like chick flicks, teen flicks, Twighlight, Harry Potter or any of that. I could stand Lord of the Rings because it was true to the books. To me the movies that Hollywood tends to make, trash or not, are movies they intend for teens and tweens--but I did get a huge kick out of Ian McKellan!
Anyway, back to my point. The mind never stops learning and growing, if one is receptive to what the good spirits of others try to convey to it, then he or she can draw on that positive energy and gain a new sense of freedom no matter where they are in life. One also needs to be willing to allow his/her own mind and spirit to reveal to him/her in those silent moments of thought and reflection what it is that he/she needs to pick up on. It is like Dr. Dwyer said, we will have teachers come into our path. These two dogs brought a point to mind. The writings left behind by many of the great masters can teach us a lot also!
How many times do we as humans always look to others to validate ourselves and seek affirmations from them? Think about it! Do we not know our own worth? I think as living feeling beings, the answer is usually going to be 'no'. When the answer is no we can be led into a dangerous trap for ourselves. Once we experience the separation/divorce or whatever, it seems that we become content to enter into similar relationships because we continue looking for our own validation. Mankind as a whole will move in with a partner or shackel themselves by the finger hoping that by chance this will be the "happily ever after". By seeking validation in a partner, it seems that we are deconstructing ourselves and compromising our worth in order to please the partner out of a fear of being alone or a fear of rejection.
If a person cannot accept us in spite of ourselves, but will try to control us once we are bound in such a situtation, then that is not love. When it is love, one doesn't seek to control or isolate a partner from the world outside of themselves because there is true trust there. That person will not try to keep that partner by laying a guilt trip on him/her and crying incessantly either. A person who is not like minded will try to isolate the other out of their own fear and insecurity, I think.
Until we as people stop seeking our own validation in the people we are sleeping with, getting married to, living with, etc...then we are doomed to repeat the same cycle again and again--if not worsen it by entering into arrangements and marriages for convenience which is and of itself living a lie. Tying oneself to another out of a sense of "obligation" is not good judgement and can have horrid consequences later. If entered into out of a fear of being alone, that is just as much a lie. If someone does that, they build a prison not only for themselves, but for the person they are NOT in love with--like the one with whom I was married to the second time. Had he not proposed, and left (which he should have done) I might have found a person who could LOVE ME BACK a long time ago. Get it?
When we get hurt again, and someone reaches out to help or to befriend us, we don't let them get close. IN my case, I won't date someone if I can talk to them for five to ten minutes and I feel that it will not work. Why? Because I can tell if that person can keep my interest, and I end up calling it a day. When a person can keep my interest beyond that first meeting--we MIGHT meet for lunch. Money is not an impressive factor to me at all. I've dated men with money and the average joe. I walked out of a nice restaurant and left a guy there, taking a cab back home because he decided to be a jerk to the waitress to try to get a "freebie"...I can spot a jerk a mile off. He played a cool game and got me to have dinner with him. Then I saw the spots on the leopard. I used to be a waitress. Guys, the waitress has no control over food quality--you won't make brownie points with me by yelling at a teen aged waitress. To me, when it's a kid and you do it, it's child abuse, and I will leave you there high and dry.
Anyway, I went up to the cashier--and my date was so busy complaining that he didn't notice. I told the manager the food was fine. We had ordered the same thing. It was NOT cold and steam came off of the guy's plate. I left her a $10 tip and asked him to call a taxi. This guy called the next day and tried to yell at me for leaving and being rude. I hung up. He called back yelling, "Bitch! You hung up on me!" I said, "Lemme guess...Did it sound like this?" and hung up on him again. I never saw him after that, but I have since reached the conclusion that men like him who call me a bitch are only paying me a compliment.
If Dr. Dwyer ever reads this, yes I have a long way to go, but at least I've started to learn! And I do admit my world view might be a bit screwy right now, but at least I've gained new perspective by starting to apply what I am learning from you and learning to want and appreciate what I have got, instead of obsessing with not having what I would LIKE to have.
Now eventually, the right person will come along and those two dog people will get some help, even if they don't get picked up and/or taken in. The right person will come along with some food, and eventually win their trust bit by bit. I'll try again tomorrow. Don't give up guys--there may be hope for this "female dog" yet! I am a realist, I live in the here and the now. I don't want to be impressed with a show. If you don't like shaving every day, I'm not turned off by a little five o'clock shadow. I understand some things--especially since I raised three sons and NONE of them like to shave. I respect the person who does not try to hide his own self-perceived "imperfections". That goes for anyone. If you want to be a friend to me, be yourself. That is all I ask. My friends know I accept them as they are.
I am glad that for right now, I've attracted harmony into my life and some peace. I don't need to be in a relationship with anyone to have that. If it ever happens, fine. If not, I'm still fine...It is amazing what I can come up with after an hour or two on my mountain...May you have a Happy Thanksgiving and be surrounded by love!
There is a quote on page 19 of his book, "Wisdom of the Ages: 60 Days to Englightenment" which reads as follows: "When you are in that centered state of purpose, you activate forces in the universe that previously were out of your range. What you need will show up. The right person will be there on time. The phone call will come. The missing pieces will be brought to you..." and then he goes on later to say (quoting a Zen proverb), "When the student is ready, the teacher will appear."
In that silence, the wind began to blow gently, comforting me with it's embrace as a few birds were about. There is no better music to me than that in my moments of reflection. It was when I was 1/4 the way into my journey that my two teachers appeared to me. They were two stray dog people.
Now I know what you are thinking, "Dog people? She's gone nuts!" so please remember that I am part Comanche Indian and there is a belief of respecting animals and trees in such a manner since nature is to be revered. From what I understand other cultures in other countries view nature with respect, just as I do. I truly believe animals have feelings and souls. They feel fear like the rest of us, but I have not converted to vegetarianism. I am sorry to disappoint you but even my ancestors ate meat--and I am referring to my ancestors on both sides of the pond. I am part Comanche, Irish, German and Pennsylvania Dutch. If you don't know what that means, look up the term, but, in short, I am a pure Heinz 57 American. I tan more than I burn, have dark hair but my eyes are hazel/green...They look more green though.
Anyway, my two teachers, as stated earlier were two stray dog people. They were abandoned, although one had a collar and they looked hungry and frightened. I would have petted them, but since I had no food to offer, they ducked their tails between their legs and ran. Poor things. They were black and white, but one looked like a border collie and I couldn't tell for the life of me what the other one was.
How sad they must have felt being that it gets cold and dark at night. They were obviously hungry but kept running away. One would inch closer but when it saw no food it ran with the other one. I can empathize with that feeling--that lonliness even though they were together in their bewilderment.
I know that empty feeling--that fear of being alone. I used to turn to men for my source of validation. I have been single for 16 years-with the exception of 1 brief relationship which I was wise enough to end--again after being hurt, but not nearly as badly. I do not regret it.
The first time I felt totally abandoned was when my first ex left me for another woman when my oldest son was only 3 months old. As a result, I fell into a deep depression, and ended up in an emotionally, and psychologically traumatic marriage two and a half years later. Even after that amount of time, I was rebounding. I would later realize that I had made critical mistakes in my relationships.
Both men married me to suit their own ends--but the second husband dealt the worst blow of all. I woke up and heard him tell my best friend after nine years and two kids that he never loved me to begin with. After being silent to his emotional blackmail and tantrums that sometimes ended up with me being shoved around, or his putting holes in the walls (among other things he'd pull) that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I went home and filed for a divorce--AGAIN.
I stand firm in my convictions. Do I believe in God? Yes. It isn't my job however to judge anyone. Besides, if he wants to do the hard work, he can have it. I feel it is my job to serve and to be kind to others. IT is not my job to try to convert people--to me that is a religious teaching and NOT true Christianity. It is one thing to teach right and wrong--but another to try to get others to believe as you do, and to me that is no different than making a sales pitch. I refuse to do that. Having the mind of serving others doesn't mean I have to be a doormat. I have grown much stronger since that very last brief relationship not too long ago. He calls once in a while wanting to get with me for a "date". It won't happen. I forgave him, but I'm not stupid enough to fall for another lie.
Now how does this relate? Here it is:
Today was an unusually beautiful day--November 20, 2010. In five days I will embark on another year's journey in this life. I feel that I can do much more now at (soon to be 48) than I could at 18! I am in good shape--beating my oldest son (who was born ON my 20th birthday--Thanksgiving day 28 years ago!) on a fitness test, but taking the time to read and learn things I never had time to enjoy before!
In the past two years, I discovered the work of an actor I truly didn't recognize--mainly because I avoided theaters and immersed myself in school and my writing/music. In short, I was a pain in the ass rebel/punk in my own way and thought Hollywood was part of the "establishment" I sought to not be a part of. Now don't laugh or think I was stupid! There was an excuse--I was, for the most part, a recluse. I didn't really enjoy going to movies and such anyway and didn't do it hardly at all in my youth. The actors and actresses of my generation, to me, only got there because of their aesthetic appeal (meaning their looks) and the advent of MTV. To me many of the true actors were the ones I watched with my parents. I stayed outside with a notebook in my hand, creating worlds in which I was a god--having power over life and death of my characters and writing material that (more than once) landed me in the counselor's office--especially after the death of John Lennon. It seems like everyone thought I was hell bent on killing myself. I wasn't. I just wrote lyrics and such that raised eyebrows and caused concern--and now at 48 I can see why! I re-read stuff that somehow (probably via my first ex) ended up on the internet. Oh well. Let him keep it.
Anyway, this actor demonstrated what acting is and how it should be done. Either way, it got me interested in movies again that year. I don't have to be in theater arts to know what good acting is either given the trash Hollywood tends to put out. I don't like chick flicks, teen flicks, Twighlight, Harry Potter or any of that. I could stand Lord of the Rings because it was true to the books. To me the movies that Hollywood tends to make, trash or not, are movies they intend for teens and tweens--but I did get a huge kick out of Ian McKellan!
Anyway, back to my point. The mind never stops learning and growing, if one is receptive to what the good spirits of others try to convey to it, then he or she can draw on that positive energy and gain a new sense of freedom no matter where they are in life. One also needs to be willing to allow his/her own mind and spirit to reveal to him/her in those silent moments of thought and reflection what it is that he/she needs to pick up on. It is like Dr. Dwyer said, we will have teachers come into our path. These two dogs brought a point to mind. The writings left behind by many of the great masters can teach us a lot also!
How many times do we as humans always look to others to validate ourselves and seek affirmations from them? Think about it! Do we not know our own worth? I think as living feeling beings, the answer is usually going to be 'no'. When the answer is no we can be led into a dangerous trap for ourselves. Once we experience the separation/divorce or whatever, it seems that we become content to enter into similar relationships because we continue looking for our own validation. Mankind as a whole will move in with a partner or shackel themselves by the finger hoping that by chance this will be the "happily ever after". By seeking validation in a partner, it seems that we are deconstructing ourselves and compromising our worth in order to please the partner out of a fear of being alone or a fear of rejection.
If a person cannot accept us in spite of ourselves, but will try to control us once we are bound in such a situtation, then that is not love. When it is love, one doesn't seek to control or isolate a partner from the world outside of themselves because there is true trust there. That person will not try to keep that partner by laying a guilt trip on him/her and crying incessantly either. A person who is not like minded will try to isolate the other out of their own fear and insecurity, I think.
Until we as people stop seeking our own validation in the people we are sleeping with, getting married to, living with, etc...then we are doomed to repeat the same cycle again and again--if not worsen it by entering into arrangements and marriages for convenience which is and of itself living a lie. Tying oneself to another out of a sense of "obligation" is not good judgement and can have horrid consequences later. If entered into out of a fear of being alone, that is just as much a lie. If someone does that, they build a prison not only for themselves, but for the person they are NOT in love with--like the one with whom I was married to the second time. Had he not proposed, and left (which he should have done) I might have found a person who could LOVE ME BACK a long time ago. Get it?
When we get hurt again, and someone reaches out to help or to befriend us, we don't let them get close. IN my case, I won't date someone if I can talk to them for five to ten minutes and I feel that it will not work. Why? Because I can tell if that person can keep my interest, and I end up calling it a day. When a person can keep my interest beyond that first meeting--we MIGHT meet for lunch. Money is not an impressive factor to me at all. I've dated men with money and the average joe. I walked out of a nice restaurant and left a guy there, taking a cab back home because he decided to be a jerk to the waitress to try to get a "freebie"...I can spot a jerk a mile off. He played a cool game and got me to have dinner with him. Then I saw the spots on the leopard. I used to be a waitress. Guys, the waitress has no control over food quality--you won't make brownie points with me by yelling at a teen aged waitress. To me, when it's a kid and you do it, it's child abuse, and I will leave you there high and dry.
Anyway, I went up to the cashier--and my date was so busy complaining that he didn't notice. I told the manager the food was fine. We had ordered the same thing. It was NOT cold and steam came off of the guy's plate. I left her a $10 tip and asked him to call a taxi. This guy called the next day and tried to yell at me for leaving and being rude. I hung up. He called back yelling, "Bitch! You hung up on me!" I said, "Lemme guess...Did it sound like this?" and hung up on him again. I never saw him after that, but I have since reached the conclusion that men like him who call me a bitch are only paying me a compliment.
If Dr. Dwyer ever reads this, yes I have a long way to go, but at least I've started to learn! And I do admit my world view might be a bit screwy right now, but at least I've gained new perspective by starting to apply what I am learning from you and learning to want and appreciate what I have got, instead of obsessing with not having what I would LIKE to have.
Now eventually, the right person will come along and those two dog people will get some help, even if they don't get picked up and/or taken in. The right person will come along with some food, and eventually win their trust bit by bit. I'll try again tomorrow. Don't give up guys--there may be hope for this "female dog" yet! I am a realist, I live in the here and the now. I don't want to be impressed with a show. If you don't like shaving every day, I'm not turned off by a little five o'clock shadow. I understand some things--especially since I raised three sons and NONE of them like to shave. I respect the person who does not try to hide his own self-perceived "imperfections". That goes for anyone. If you want to be a friend to me, be yourself. That is all I ask. My friends know I accept them as they are.
I am glad that for right now, I've attracted harmony into my life and some peace. I don't need to be in a relationship with anyone to have that. If it ever happens, fine. If not, I'm still fine...It is amazing what I can come up with after an hour or two on my mountain...May you have a Happy Thanksgiving and be surrounded by love!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)